What Can Intended Parents Do to Prepare Themselves to Become Parents Via Surrogacy?
We understand that surrogacy generally isn’t peoples’ first choice when it comes to growing their families. Intended parents often come to us having already traveled a long road of heartache and infertility. With that in mind, we attempt to make everything as smooth as possible for intended parents and surrogates as they embark on this incredible journey. While no one can prepare for every situation, it can help ease anxiety for intended parents if they know what to expect along the way.
Educating Yourself: Researching and Learning about Surrogacy
A good starting point for anyone considering having a child through surrogacy is to understand the surrogacy process. Research the legal, medical, and emotional aspects, so you're well-informed about what to anticipate. We at Bright Futures Families want to make everything as transparent and easy as possible for all parties, so we’ve compiled the best educational materials and resources for you on our website. Check out our blueprint for intended parents for a step-by-step breakdown of what to expect as you start your journey. There are also several books, workshops, and professionals that can provide valuable insights. We have virtual and in person meetups every month for anyone interested in learning about the process. Information about our meetups is available on our website and social media. The unknown can be scary, but knowledge is power!
Emotional Preparation
A surrogacy journey can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions. It's normal for intended parents and surrogates to experience a range of feelings, including excitement, anxiety, and at times, being overwhelmed. The good news is that you're not navigating this journey on your own! Managing these emotions is crucial, and having a strong support system can make a significant difference.
For many intended parents, one common challenge is the sense of losing control that can arise during a surrogate pregnancy. It's understandable to want a smooth and meticulously planned process, but life can occasionally throw unexpected twists. It's important to remember that no surrogacy journey unfolds without a few bumps along the way. Surrendering some control can actually be beneficial in the context of surrogacy. While providing your surrogate with ample support and care is important, it's equally vital to place trust in her, the healthcare professionals involved, and the surrogacy agency. They are all dedicated to helping you reach your ultimate goal – welcoming your sweet baby!
Our agency will assign a dedicated case manager to offer guidance and support throughout the steps. Over-managing the surrogate's every move could potentially lead to anxiety for both you and her. Naturally, you can express your concerns, and a constructive way to do so is by utilizing the agency as a sounding board for any issues that may arise in your interactions with the surrogate. We have no issues being the “buffer” between parties if necessary, although we consider factors that may be contentious prior to matching to mitigate potential issues.
In addition to relying on the agency, it's important to establish a support system, including family members, friends, mental health professionals, and participate in support groups. These resources will assist you in managing the emotional aspects of your surrogacy journey effectively. Having people who understand your experience can provide invaluable encouragement. For additional support options, you can explore the list of support groups available on the RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association website.
Financial Planning
Surrogacy involves various costs, including legal fees, agency fees, medical expenses, and compensation for the surrogate’s time. (See an overview of costs to anticipate during a surrogacy journey with Bright Futures Families on our website.)
Create a comprehensive budget and financial plan to ensure you're prepared for the financial aspects. One of the steps during a surrogacy journey with Bright Futures Families is to create an independent escrow account. This helps relieve you as the intended parent(s) of the stress and awkwardness of discussing financial matters directly with your surrogate. The surrogate communicates expenses to your assigned case manager, and the agency submits requests for reimbursement to the escrow fund management entity, who then contacts you. If you are worried about whether you can afford surrogacy, research grant programs or loans that can help cover or offset the cost.
Selecting an Agency and a Surrogate: Finding a Compatible Match for Your Family
Consider working with a reputable surrogacy agency, like Bright Futures Families, that can match you with a suitable surrogate, handle the legal aspects, and help keep things on track. Whether you are working with an agency or choose to work independently with a surrogate, ensure you both have separate legal representation and a clear understanding of expectations. It’s important to be honest during the intake and matching phases to ensure your needs are met and that everything can go as smoothly as possible.
Building a Strong Connection with Your Surrogate and Support Team
It’s important to decide what kind of relationship you would like to have with your surrogate during the journey and after the birth. Just like no two people are the same, no two journeys are the same. Keep an open mind about what is the most realistic and appealing to you as you communicate your preferences with the agency and your potential surrogate. Some intended parents would like a lot of updates, and others prefer less. It’s totally up to you, but be sure to communicate what you want from the beginning, because transparency makes the matching process much easier!
Preparing for Life as Parents After Surrogate Birth
Prepare for the arrival of your baby as you would for any other pregnancy and birth. Babyproof and create a safe and nurturing environment at home, gather essential baby supplies, and plan for the baby's care and needs once they arrive (pediatrician, etc.). Consider things like skin-to-skin contact, cuddling, learning about cues, and other ways you can bond with your baby. Explore your options for feeding, such as deciding whether you would like to match with a surrogate who is willing to provide breastmilk, whether you are able to stimulate lactation and breastfeed on your own (research it…it’s a real thing!) or prepare to formula-feed.
After the birth, expect a range of emotions. The joy of becoming a parent might be accompanied by other feelings. Joy, relief, and gratitude are common, but you may also experience anxiety, exhaustion, uncertainty, or stress. Having a support network and potentially seeking counseling can aid in your emotional wellbeing. They say that it takes a village to raise a child. Support groups are a great way to begin building “your village” prior to baby’s arrival.
We wish you the best on your surrogacy journey and hope to be able to help ease any anxiety you may have about what it entails. If you have any questions, please contact us, or schedule a consultation. We would love to accompany you on your journey!