Dear Sassy Surrogate

Dear Sassy: I’m starting the process with my agency to become a surrogate. But something’s been bothering me: when I tell other women in my mom’s group that I’m going to be a surrogate for someone, the thing I hear the most often is, “Oh, I could never give my baby away.” What am I supposed to say to that?? I need a quick, back-pocket answer for them. – Giving, Not Giving Away

Dear Giving: I have heard this so many times. It’s really frustrating to hear because a) it implies that I am the kind of person who would just give my own child away on a whim and b) surrogacy is not about giving babies away, as you well know. (And don’t even get me started on what it must feel like to hear this self-righteous statement as a woman who decides adoption is the best answer for her baby.) The easiest comeback that I have for the question is: “It’s not my baby, and I’m not giving it away.” Short and simple. If you’d like to elaborate, you could say, “I’m carrying their baby for them. It won’t be giving a baby away, it will be letting a baby go home.” You got this!

Dear Sassy: I gave birth 2 weeks ago to a baby boy for two dads living in Boulder. It was such an amazing experience and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I get daily updates from the dads and I’m really happy for them! But I’m feeling a little down. I thought I would bounce right back since I didn’t have a newborn to look after. But I’m tired and not feeling as excited about things as I was before. Is this normal? Do you have any advice for me? – Happy and Blue

Dear Happy: This is so very normal. Don’t forget – your body has been through A LOT. From the hormones, the pregnancy, the delivery, and the emotional work of carrying someone else’s most precious dream in your body – that’s an amazing amount of work. It’s easy to think that you should just pick right back up with your life pre-pregnancy because you don’t have a newborn to look after. But you have to give yourself time and let yourself heal and rest. Take these next few weeks to really take care of yourself: get the rest you need, take advantage of any postpartum care provided in your contract, let your partner take the lead on caring for the kids and the house, and talk to a counselor (or a surrogacy support group). You’ve done an amazing thing for someone else – now it’s time to take care of you.