Looking for a surrogate mother can be nerve-wracking. The requirements (even after agency screenings) go way beyond “do you enjoy being pregnant.” While making a good match can’t necessarily be broken down into a step-by-step process, looking for similarities in personal values, communication, and involvement is a great start. Just clicking with someone doesn’t hurt, either! Here are the foundations of a perfect match:
A surrogacy relationship is an intimate relationship in many ways: you know way more about each other’s medical history than most people about their own medical history and you’re about to bring a baby into the world together. It’s only natural that your personal values be aligned. This doesn’t mean that you agree on everything, but rather that you value things similarly – the importance of spirituality and religious beliefs, thoughts on personhood (when an embryo or fetus is a “baby”), thoughts on termination, thoughts on birthing practices. Similar values don’t guarantee a good match, but they do give a solid foundation.
Styles of communication are very important for the surrogacy journey, just as they are for any relationship. Being aware of how each party likes to communicate is key (Text? Email? Phone calls? Skype?), but it’s also good to know how often each person needs to be in contact to feel connected. It’s also important to know how someone communicates, like does the IP prefer analytical communication based in observable data, or does the GC prefer relatable communication based in emotion?
I like to think of surrogate and intended parent involvement as a spectrum. On one end are the GC and IP who are inseparable after their first meeting. They text or call multiple times daily and have plans for how their families are going to grow together. On the other end are the GC and IP who have a strictly business relationship and don’t plan to have any relationship once the baby has been delivered. These are extremes, and most matches fall somewhere in the middle. But it’s helpful to know on which end both parties are in order to make a good match.
This is that special something that just happens between people (not always when you first meet!). You get a good feeling about someone. You really feel heard or understood by someone. It’s intangible and it’s important – do you click together?
This one can take a lot of introspection on the part of IPs and GCs. What can you absolutely not abide? Obvious stuff like a poor medical history or smoking or a criminal history are screened out by an agency. But both parties may still have things that are deal breakers. The IP doesn’t want the GC to drink any coffee while she’s pregnant, and the GC will not go without one cup of ½ caff a day. It’s a deal breaker. The GC won’t work with an IP that wouldn’t want her to get an epidural. Sometimes the reasoning behind the deal breakers is inscrutable, but it helps to know your absolutes.
As a surrogacy agency, matching surrogates to intended parents is our specialty. If you have questions about making a good match, contact us today!